11/25/2011 4:32pm: So yesterday was Thanksgiving....... And...... IT SUCKED!!!!!!! Not the holiday itself, or the family time. But passing up my favorite holiday and the food I associate so very closely with the over all joviality of the occasion, actually physically hurt at one point.
Before I go further, I should digress momentarily to set up my day. I woke up in a bit of an anxious mood.... at 3a.m. I tried to fall back asleep, but the anxiety of the day was clearly firmly implanted, and sleep was not an option (By The Way- there is nothing but junk on tv between 3:30-6a.m.). The further the night crept on and the morning crept up I became virtually overtaken by what I would later discover was an overwhelming fear. Fear of failing and giving in to temptation, fear of making family and loved ones uncomfortable because they could indulge but felt sympathetic to my cause. I was fearful that passing up my favorite meal would mean missing out on something, nothing specific, just part or all of what I hold so dearly when I think of Thanksgiving. As we got in the car to drive over, I felt nervous, grumpy, out of sorts in general. Obviously this would be my biggest test to date, and I wasn't sure if I would pass it.
It got worse as we pulled into my grandparents' house, walked in and smelled the wonderful aroma of sweet potatoes candy coated with marshmallows and brown sugar.
I tried to mask the stress by grabbing my first shake and exchanging hugs with my grandparents and mom. I became very quiet (if you have ever met me, you realize how so very rare it is that I am quiet for any reason), almost withdrawn to come to grips with my anxiety. I felt tired, and even wished I could turn the car around and pass the day in solitude just to get through.
We left for my Aunt Sandy's house and I was undeniably edgy!!! She is an amazing cook, and while she has been following the blog, and had even made dishes I could eat on the diet, I was craving the ones I had become so fond of, traditional Thanksgiving trimmings full of starch, calories, TASTE!!!!!!!!
My greatest fears were realized when we walked in, the wonderful smells that fill a loving environment with all that is familiar to any of us who have been lucky enough to grow up in families that celebrate the holiday in that manner. I walked into the kitchen to wish my aunt and her mother a Happy Thanksgiving, and there it was, in all it's splendor - two types of stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, freshly baked rolls, traditional cranberry sauce, pies, cookies, oh yeah, I think she had turkey too.
The only cogent response I could muster to the sensory overload my mind, senses, and heart were experiencing was to rush to the man cave, drink my 3rd (I'm only required 2) bottle of water, and watch the football game. Forty minutes later my wife descended the stairs, and offered me a plate full of my favorite, fresh, cut, raw veggies. My initial response was "no thanks, I'm fine". Fine?!?! I was anything but fine; hungry, cranky, and not thrilled at the thought of either having to pass up my favorites, or worse not passing them up and having to blog that my previous post was all bull s#%+ and I folded like a cheap card table. I wanted to say " screw the veggies, I'd love a cookie damn it!". But obviously she was being supportive, and I recognized this and gathered the veggies in front of me. As we bowed our heads for the blessing, I had relegated myself to the fact that either way, this day would more than likely, would not end well.
As I made my way around the buffet I put a combination of baked and smoked white meat turkey on my plate with the approximate of the allowable 6.5 oz of allowed protein for the day. I rounded the plate off with the green beans and tomatoes, and sautéed onions my aunt had specially prepared for me. As pulled away from the table I reached for a small piece of turkey skin, and inexplicably walked away to my seat at the table. Jenna joined me with a plate modestly covered with a little of everything. At this point I realized my crankiness was causing those I love the most the same anxiety that had overwhelmed me every second up to at one.
Immediately, I changed my approach for everyone's sake, if not my own originally. Then the most amazing thing happened. As I took my first bite of baked turkey, the most complete sense of relief and calm filled me from head to toe! Thanksgiving was here, real, and I had a taste of everything that I held so dear. The taste of the turkey helped me realize while all those smells are so inviting, it was the taste of that turkey that I had obviously attached so closely with the holiday! I finished my plate, felt so good, satisfying, and I had the very same Thanksgiving everyone else had, minus the starches! Wow! I FREAKIN' DID IT!!!!! I made it through and did NOT cheat! All of the sudden a peculiar sense of pride flooded me. And I started to see my family that I hold so dear, sitting around the room, with me, and I was so glad I finally decided to join the party!
The rest of evening we all talked, laughed, reminisced (3 weddings on that side of the family including ours since last Thanksgiving), and I was asked about this program from Aultman that I was on by my aunt and extended family. As I explained the particulars already mentioned in previous posts, it dawned on me. There is a reason I didn't cheat the program, beyond the financial and emotional commitments already made. I didn't cheat because I have such a loving and supportive family, that went so far as to alter the food preparation to be supportive of my efforts to become fully healthy and reach my goals.
This obnoxiously long blog wasn't to gloat over what really was a major triumph for me, but to point out this "not such a revelation" moment. No one can do anything worth while without help and support. Yes support from the dietitians and physicians at Aultman are hugely important to keep me on task and healthy to reach my goals through out this process, but the love of a wife willing to give her ideal Thanksgiving indulgence, love of an aunt, mother, and family that went out of their way during such hectic and intense meal preparation to make my journey easier is what got me through the day. Yes it was tough. Yes I made it tougher on myself and family than it ever had to be. But I'm most thankful on this particular Thanksgiving holiday for the people who love and support me unconditionally as I work my way to the biggest of goals, complete health and happiness! Thanks to all of my family! I love and appreciate you more than words can say, and more than I have said, unfortunately. I love you all so very much!
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